2008年中考英語作文題目：
Write at least 60 words about the topic“Love around me”. （以“我身邊的愛”為題寫一篇不少于60個詞的短文，標點符號不占格）（注意：短文中不得出現(xiàn)考生的姓名、校名以及其他相關信息，否則不予評分）（總分16分）
Use the following points as a guide. （短文須包含下列要點）
Is there any love around you? (Give one or two examples.)
How do you feel when you get love from him/ her/ them?
What are you going to do to show your love?
-----------------------------以上為背景--------------------------------------

下面我將為大家分享在這個題目下的幾篇有特點的學生作文，附實際得分和我的點評。
說明：由于是前幾年的作文了，這里面的作文在其他網(wǎng)上也能搜到。拿出來分享一個是會加上我的點評，這個是網(wǎng)上搜不到的~另一個也是希望孩子們更明確作文的寫法和得高分的要素。

第一篇：
I live on a planet which is full of love. I can get love form my teachers, friends and my parents. When I get love from them, I feel warm and happy. They are the most important people in my life. I should show my love to them. I will help my parents to do some housework if they are tired. I will help my friends when they are in trouble. I should show my love to the person who gives me love.
實際得分情況：5+6+1=12
張老師點評：這篇文章其實是相當有文采的。開篇第一句話和最后一句話都正確使用了定語從句，這已經(jīng)足以為其爭取到1分的文采分了。整篇文章除了第一句有點不符合常理（planet不能用full of love，應該用world）和第6句help后面不應該用to之外，其他句子都沒有語病，扣1分的語言分也可以理解。但是本文最大的敗筆就在于遺漏了一個要點！題目要求對自己周圍的love給出1-2個例子，但是本文中沒有任何例子，于是被扣了2分的內(nèi)容分，非常可惜。正所謂

第二篇
Love never leaves me. My parents, teachers, classmates and so on give love to me. My mother always come to my room and close the windows when I fall asleep on the cold night. My classmates and teachers always give me a hand when I have something difficult to do. I feel very warm and happy when I get love from all these people around me. I will give my father a cup of tea when he finish all the works. I will help my mother to do some housework. Love around me all the time.
實際得分情況：7+5+0=12
張老師點評：要點一個不缺，7分到手。全文除了反復使用when引導的時間狀語從句之外，無任何復雜句型，因此文采分為0并不冤枉。我要說的是被扣掉得2分語言分，不知道大家有沒有看出來扣在哪里？先給大家5分鐘時間看看吧。
-------5分鐘后---------
其實這篇文章扣語言分的主要是2點：
1.    三單。除了第一句之外的2處三單都用錯了（找到了嗎？）。雖然原則上講每個語法點錯只扣0.5，且重復不計，但是像三單這么基礎的語法點，扣1分也不為過。
2.    最后一句缺系動詞。也許這位同學是想在最后一句用一個短句子作為有力的結(jié)尾，可惜偷雞不成蝕把米，句子不是想短就能短的。
當然，文中還有on the cold night、when I fall a sleep、finish all the works等小一點的語法錯誤，但是僅僅是前面2個大的語法錯誤，就足以顯示這位同學的功底了。正所謂

第三篇：
There is much love around me. Especially my parents, teachers, friends even some strangers. The love needs our heart to feel. Parents’ love is like river, silent and warm. When I’m in trouble, they encourage me in silent words. Friends' love is like fire, full of energy. It makes me more confident. And I also show my love in action to care others. Love is teaching me to love.
 
實際得分：7+5+2=14
 
張老師點評：這是一篇讓人愛恨交織的文章。按照08年以前的評分標準，原則上講，內(nèi)容和語言在12分及其以下者，是不能給2分的文采分的。但是這篇文章的幾個句子，著實讓人覺得愛不釋手。例如Parents’ love is like river, silent and warm. 再例如 Love is teaching me to love. 這樣的句子雖然并不復雜，但是讀起來卻像詩句一樣。我想這也是為什么判卷的老師在文章中有明顯錯誤的情況下（找到錯誤在什么地方了嗎？），還給出2分的文采分。所以我想告訴同學們的是，文采分并不是神話，只要有意識地去準備一些結(jié)構(gòu)，并在文章中合理使用，文采分是可以有計劃地去獲取的。正所謂：孩子們，加油！

第四篇：
There is some love around me. Among all the people, I think my parents love me best. I study so hard that I don't go to bed until mid-night. However, my parents will always turn off their light after I do. While I am writing this passage, my parents are standing at the school gate. I decide to buy some flowers for them to show my love this afternoon.
 
實際得分：6+6+1=13
張老師點評：從語言上看，這篇文章屬于“不求有功，但求無過”的類型，第三句話對于so…that…句型和until一詞的結(jié)合甚至還顯示出相當?shù)墓Φ祝�這也解釋了為什么它會獲得1分的文采分。但是本文我想要給大家分享的是內(nèi)容分。這篇文章被扣掉了1分的內(nèi)容分，同學們能找出來它被扣在了哪里嗎？也就是說這篇文章少了什么要點嗎？給大家5分鐘的時間試一試。
---------

---5min后--
找出來了嗎？其實，這篇文章缺少的要點還是挺明顯的：How do you feel when you get love from him/ her/ them?這個要點可能只是一個形容詞，復雜一點也就一個句子而已。但就是少了這一小部分，就被扣掉了1分內(nèi)容分。要點是最容易得分也最容易扣分的部分，一旦扣分，就會讓學生痛不欲生。迄今為止我已經(jīng)點評了3篇關于要點的文章，就是希望同學們一定要保持警醒啊！正所謂：“題目字字是珠璣，逐條對應莫大意。”

有家長呼吁我放幾篇滿分作文上來，那我們第五篇就來一篇滿分的！
第五篇：
I've been surrounded by love from my family since I was born. For example, my grandma often stays in the kitchen all day long, cooking foods which are healthy and delicious for me. My father isn't good at expressing his emotions, but my mom said that he always kissed me good-night without letting me know at night. I didn't know that at all because I was sleeping! I feel happy when I get sweet love from my family. My family members are the only people who are willing to sacrifice for you for nothing in this world! Of course I love them too, and I'm going to show my love by caring for them as much as I can. I'll wash bowls after meals, chat with them and make them laugh. Studying hard and make them pleased with me is also a good way to show my love. I will cherish the love around me forever!
 
實際得分:滿分
張老師點評: 這篇文章亮點太多,只能在原文上批注.請看下圖:

同時,必須要說明的是:這并不是一篇完美的文章。
一方面，文章中是有2處錯誤的，我已經(jīng)在圖片上注明，所以并不是一定要完美的文章才能得滿分，只要有足夠的亮點即可；
另一方面，文章太長（156w），超過答題卷的范圍太多，可以想象它超出的部分肯定是非常擁擠且字很小的，如果不是這篇文章實在太精彩，想拿高分恐怕也很難。
正所謂：萬綠叢中幾點紅，哪怕葉上毛毛蟲……
 

 中考英語作文得分和點評
 

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